hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
