I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
