She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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