Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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