I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
