It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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