I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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