Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
