Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
