I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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