Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
