I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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