So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
