Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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