i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
