Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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