who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
we're making bets on your personal life
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you