If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The air was thick with penises
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
