Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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