Nicole vs. Life
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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