I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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