My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
