Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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