Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
