i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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