I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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