Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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