Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
