What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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