I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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