Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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