how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
one might say we're banned from that church
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
