Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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