I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
