well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
