Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
