I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
