Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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