i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Randomize
