chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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