According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
