It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Found the puke drawer
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
