Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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