I hate all girls vehemently.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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