she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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