He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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