The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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