last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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