Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
