On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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