In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i think my mom watched the whole time
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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