i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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