I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She's like a pop up book from hell.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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