I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
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That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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