Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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